I know that I have been very negative lately. I can’t help it. I have always been negative and being stuck in this shitty situation hasn’t really helped my outlook all that much. Things are bad. They are bad at home. They are bad at work. They are bad everywhere. I can’t escape the negativity. Sometimes it is like you are running on the hamster wheel just minding your own business but then oops… your leg falls through the slot, gets caught, breaks and then you are stuck in the wheel with nothing to eat or drink and you are shitting all over yourself. Or, different hamster wheel scenario, your running on your wheel to try to get somewhere but your wheel keeps on spinning and you never go anywhere, you’re still in the same spot, haven’t accomplished anything. Mmmmm…that one is nicer. Not nearly so apocalyptic or anything.
I am just really frustrated.
I swear my job is bipolar. Some days, it is like the world is going to end and I am an awful employee. They say that I don’t pay for myself. They say that I am not improving enough. They say that I don’t meet expectations and then some. Yet other days, those same people are telling me how good I did or they are telling me to plan on dong something in a few months. Funny, I recall being told at the end of June that if I wasn’t meeting expectations within the next 3 months that I would lose my job. Seems to me that if you tell me that I am going to be fired if I don’t meet expectations and then tell me that I don’t meet those expectations later on, planning for a future between you and I might be a moot point. Come on now! Do you expect me to sit around and wait for you to fire me? Do you think I will still be here months from now? WTF? Confusing maybe? It is for me. Granted, I know what I am planning to do but it becomes a little difficult to know how to act, what to think, know whether I will be fired in a couple of weeks, you know the endless stream of questions and worries, right?
My work problems are coming home with me because we are trying to plan for the unfortunate event of me losing my job. That means a budget. No eating out. Two week meal plans and groceries for only those stated meals. No fancy birthday dinners. No buying books to read because I would like to read a book rather than live my life right now. Nothing, no escapes. It sucks more than I even imagined it would suck and I am the worlds biggest pessimist. It sucks so much that I begged HH to please let us get fast food, just one night, because I think I might be having withdrawals from not eating out. I don’t think it is the food. I am pretty sure that it is getting out of the house. I like to go and do and I haven’t been able to do that in weeks. I was freaking thrilled to go to Chuck E. Cheese for my son’s 3rd family birthday party. It was like crack for me. Plus, we have been undergoing potty training torture for like month’s. I’m saving that for another post but it certainly is fueling my stress fire.
Add all of it together and you get a very unhappy person. It is starting to get to me. I cry at the drop of the hat and I am becoming prone to yelling at my family. I was coping pretty well at first but recently it has just gotten to be overwhelming. I’m back to having panic attacks and everything but I don’t have anything that I can take to help with them. Most days I just feel like the world is crashing down around me. My back hurts, my neck hurts, I don’t have much of an appetite and I am tired.
I am tired of running on my hamster wheel.
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