Archive for the ‘Mental Health’ Category
I only have a few days left at my current job and it has been a veritable nightmare. There is nothing quite like being ignored to make you feel like shit. I work my full 40 hours a week and go home to work more on trying to find another job. Also I am going to class at night and on the weekends to get my teaching certificate as a fallback. Ovaerll I am just so overwhelmed it isn’t funny. I have to try to keep it together when I am at home so that I won’t end up taking it out on HH or Z. Lord knows I haven’t been very succesful at doing that lately. I can’t seem to keep my shit together and I end up treating everyone else like shit since that is how I feel. And to top it off my inlaws are going to be here in a few days to spend Christmas with us. Not only will I have to keep my attitude in check, I will also have to play the perfect little hostess.
I have been dealing with all of the uncertainties for the past 6 months on my own with the help of counseling but they have gotten to the point that I can’t do it anymore. I need some additional assistance. That is why I am going back to my dear old friend the antidepressant. Maybe that will help to even me out a little bit. Too bad I can’t get anything to help with the ferocious anxiety attacks that I have been having too.
I’m not sure but I think it could all be due to the stress that I am under. What do you think?
I know that I have been very negative lately. I can’t help it. I have always been negative and being stuck in this shitty situation hasn’t really helped my outlook all that much. Things are bad. They are bad at home. They are bad at work. They are bad everywhere. I can’t escape the negativity. Sometimes it is like you are running on the hamster wheel just minding your own business but then oops… your leg falls through the slot, gets caught, breaks and then you are stuck in the wheel with nothing to eat or drink and you are shitting all over yourself. Or, different hamster wheel scenario, your running on your wheel to try to get somewhere but your wheel keeps on spinning and you never go anywhere, you’re still in the same spot, haven’t accomplished anything. Mmmmm…that one is nicer. Not nearly so apocalyptic or anything.
I am just really frustrated.
I swear my job is bipolar. Some days, it is like the world is going to end and I am an awful employee. They say that I don’t pay for myself. They say that I am not improving enough. They say that I don’t meet expectations and then some. Yet other days, those same people are telling me how good I did or they are telling me to plan on dong something in a few months. Funny, I recall being told at the end of June that if I wasn’t meeting expectations within the next 3 months that I would lose my job. Seems to me that if you tell me that I am going to be fired if I don’t meet expectations and then tell me that I don’t meet those expectations later on, planning for a future between you and I might be a moot point. Come on now! Do you expect me to sit around and wait for you to fire me? Do you think I will still be here months from now? WTF? Confusing maybe? It is for me. Granted, I know what I am planning to do but it becomes a little difficult to know how to act, what to think, know whether I will be fired in a couple of weeks, you know the endless stream of questions and worries, right?
My work problems are coming home with me because we are trying to plan for the unfortunate event of me losing my job. That means a budget. No eating out. Two week meal plans and groceries for only those stated meals. No fancy birthday dinners. No buying books to read because I would like to read a book rather than live my life right now. Nothing, no escapes. It sucks more than I even imagined it would suck and I am the worlds biggest pessimist. It sucks so much that I begged HH to please let us get fast food, just one night, because I think I might be having withdrawals from not eating out. I don’t think it is the food. I am pretty sure that it is getting out of the house. I like to go and do and I haven’t been able to do that in weeks. I was freaking thrilled to go to Chuck E. Cheese for my son’s 3rd family birthday party. It was like crack for me. Plus, we have been undergoing potty training torture for like month’s. I’m saving that for another post but it certainly is fueling my stress fire.
Add all of it together and you get a very unhappy person. It is starting to get to me. I cry at the drop of the hat and I am becoming prone to yelling at my family. I was coping pretty well at first but recently it has just gotten to be overwhelming. I’m back to having panic attacks and everything but I don’t have anything that I can take to help with them. Most days I just feel like the world is crashing down around me. My back hurts, my neck hurts, I don’t have much of an appetite and I am tired.
I am tired of running on my hamster wheel.
I know that I am a little late posting about this but I figured it was better late than never since it is something so near and dear to me.
Right now, the US government is working on helping the post-partum depression cause. You can read about their efforts by going here to read about the Melanie Blocker Stoke’s Mother’s Act. I have yet to go online and read about it simply because I am sure that I would get lost in all of the legalese but from what I have read about it on other sites is that it is to help in the research for diagnosis and treatment of post-partum realted illnesses.
I am not a fan of the government being involved in my healthcare at all since they can’t even keep the drug system (FDA) out of Big Pharma’s back pocket but I do think that this congressional bill or act could really do a lot of good. First off, it opens up people’s eyes and brings post-partum related illnesses into the spotlight. It is already doing this just in the blogging/twittering community. It raises awareness. It makes people think. It shows all of those that are suffering right now that they are not alone, that there are other’s that have been there and done that. Secondly, there is potential for improvements in screening programs. I went to my 6 week post-partum check-up but I doubt that the average American does. So many people are without healthcare these days that going in for a follow-up just isn’t high on the priority list especially when you have all of those newborn checkups to pay for.
Enough of that, I don’t have much time left to write but I thought this was important. Many women are suffering from this. I was one of them. It is horrible and no one should have to suffer in silence. We should be able to get the help we need, whether counseling, medication or both, it should be available. Our children’s future’s depend upon us as mothers. How can we possibly do a good job when we are suffering? I had to practically beg for help. And the help that I received was not enough and I ended up even worse off than when I started. I can only imagine what happens to other people, especially those that don’t/can’t ask for help. They are probably the one’s that we see on TV or read about in the paper that did something horrible to their children. Is it really all their fault. They are sick and needed help yet they were overlooked and not identified as needing help. Just think of how many lives could be improved just by making more accurate diagnosis and providing better forms of treatment.